Cycles

Cycles exist. I'm ready for a new cycle and the support around me will help! Interesting that I keep posting right around my birthday, but then don't have time the rest of the year. Fun! This is my private blog, and I will be starting a blog for work. Not really sure that I want them to be the same. Can I keep up with this one?

Grounded

Tonight I experienced the feeling of security in the universe. It came in an odd place and in an odd conversation. The conversation and experiences of the evening were grounding. Life may be tumultuous. I don't know where to start with all there is to do. I miss previous lives that I've had, and I miss my girlfriends from Santa Cruz. I hope that my experiences tonight continue to unfold and continue to ground me in truth.

Owning My Life will become a reality by the end of this year. I will continue to make mistakes as part of it, but I want to understand my failures as lessons and move forward with Balance.

The Bottom?

Well, I am now putting myself through an informal bankruptcy and just put my family through a foreclosure. Have I learned the lessons I was supposed to learn? Who knows. What is someone supposed to learn. How does a person change behaviors and attitude about money. You think it would be easy to say, "That was stupid, let's not do that again", but somehow the cycle has continued in the past. This last cycle had a real bottom to it.

Just Do It - Seems simple enough. Yet somehow, procrastination and bad habits have continued.

I don't think I can fall further than I have.

Now I have to climb out. Is it possible? Is there a mountain that will have a beautiful view from the top, or will it just be one valley after another?

35

What a number. I am at the age of "risky" pregnancies. I can't join the National guard. I'm too old for some law enforcement agencies. Half-way to 70. Almost 40. Yet, still making mistakes like I was 20. I've been acting older than my age for awhile, but I don't seem to make the wisest of choices that an almost 40 year old should be making.

Feeling hopeful that maybe I will start to wise up.

Feeling sad that my youth is behind me.

Wondering where the get up and go attitude that I had in my 20's has left. Why and when did it go is a mystery. Will it come back? I keep willing it. No action, though. Hmmm.

Still wanting a second child. Barely able to take care of the first child. Or myself.

My story seems stuck. Was it Sunnyvale? Or did it happen before that?

I know I should and need to move on. Why can't I? Why do I just continue to sit?

What a birthday, post, huh?

My brother's grief

A few days ago, my sweet (and new) sister-in-law posted on her facebook the status, "Doesn't understand." This post caught my attention, but there was nothing else indicating anything was wrong. She is blissfully married to my brother and learning how to have a big family. I wasn't sure what this post meant, but since nothing else seemed to call for attention, I let this past.

I was exploring my brother's myspace page and found a goodbye poem in his blog. I knew this was connected to Caitlin's post. How removed from my family am I, that I didn't know they had lost a close friend. I am experiencing my own grief at my inability to connect with my family.

I am also experiencing grief at the loss of Jennifer Mayhew (Katiya). I know her only through the blog postings of myspace and facebook and finally her obituary. She was certainly a light amidst the dark tunnel of life. Her services are today. I may "show my respect" to this beautiful person who inspired a goodbye poem from my brother, who cares and loves more than he admits and just wants to find love himself.

I'm not sure how long this posts can be, but I am going to walk you backwards through my discovery of this tragedy.

This was the post on my brother's myspace page that sent me on my discovery path...

********************

Dedicated to Jen Mayhew aka Katiya - ; (

- ; (

dreams left undone and screams left unheard, far from sadness left from life, tears unseen bring angels you foreseen. you dreamed of being the light, you seamed of being alright. in yours arms felt warm, understanding now i'm torn. radiating presence your mind was persistently divine. waking up in angel arms the dreams all left undone. waking up in solace with nothing but a memory. its not for me to write whats wrong, its not for me to right whats left. for you i'll carry on, i'll be the pirate you held close if even for a moment. visit me you will in dreams i'll make a point to share them too. you're on your way thats for sure home is waiting in distance. your desires have all come true leaving us was up to you. all the light and all the warmth i'd give back just to be with you, for just a moment.. to say goodbye.

*********************

I still couldn't be sure if she had passed away or left. So I decided to search the internet for a possible obituary, hoping that I wouldn't find one, but...

Jennifer Dee Mayhew
Jennifer Dee Mayhew 1979 ~ 2009 Jen was born on February 1, 1979 to Lawnie and DeLane Mayhew on a bright and sunny day in Salt Lake City, UT. She went home on April 12, 2009.She was spiritually gifted, and was always open to learning and exploring spirituality. She enjoyed expressing herself through poetry and writings. She loved being with her friends and meeting new people. Jen wanted to open them up to new spiritual heights. She was the type of person who was always there to heal people and help them find their peace and enlightenment. Jen was the most positive and loving person and was loved and respected by all that knew her. Jen had a life-long close relationship with her sisters Kassie and Lisa. They enjoyed many activities together and created the most wonderful memories. Jen was a shining star, like a ray of sunshine, who brought light to every place she traveled and to everyone she met in her personal journey of life. She asked very little of anyone, but gave all that she had. Jen was a free spirit and she lived her life to the fullest every day. Survived by her parents, Lawnie and DeLane, sisters, Kassie and Lisa, nephews, Drayden and Carson, niece, Taysia, grandparents, Lawnie C. Mayhew, DeeVi Jorgensen, Donald Williams, many uncles, aunts and cousins. Kip Massey, who she married on January 29, 2005 and loved dearly. Also, her many, many friends who were her spiritual family. Preceded in death by, Grandma Betty and cousin Ronnie Anderson. Services will be held on Friday, April 17, 2009, at 2:00 p.m. at Larkin Sunset Gardens, 1950 East 10600 South in Sandy. A visitation will be held on Thursday evening from 6-8 p.m. and one hour prior to the service. Online condolences welcomed at www.larkincares.com We will miss you Jen and we know that you are in a much better place, watching over all of us.

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I wanted to see if I could learn a little more about this beautiful person. So, then I followed the friend link to Katiya's myspace page and found this posting. I don't know what took Jen's life, but she knew her time was coming which makes this all the more tragic.

Friday, March 27, 2009

What I like about you Current mood: grateful Ok so I decided to express my gratitude to all of those in my life and thank them for the gifts they have bestowed upon my life. For the majority of my life i have been a clueless, selfish, lost person. I probably never thanked any of them for what they shared with me, and so tonight I would like to start.. 1. mom : For taking care of me and Kassie on your own, for being the strongest woman I know. For being a loving and caring mother. For pushing through life even through the hardest of times. For giving all you can. For opening up your home to me. For loving without condition... For being vulnerable. For letting me sleep next to you when i couldnt sleep alone. For accepting me no matter what pain I brought into your life. 2. Dad- for being a pillar of strength when i had no strength. For holding me up when i fell. For always being there to rescue me from stupidity. For showing your vulnerabilty, For being firm. For making me laugh when all i wanted to do was cry. For accepting me no matter what drama or pain I brought to your life. 3. Kassie for always giving me someone to look up to. For having the nerve to follow your heart and let nothing stop you. For having the courage to have children and the strength to take care of them on your own. For always loving and accepting me even when i have been distant. For helping me to see the good in situations. 4. Lisa for daring to do what I could not. Being a mother. For all the times you made me feel needed as a sister. For all the times you made me laugh when all i wanted to do was cry. For having those special moments with me, like singing in the car. .. Peekaboo! For running away so i could find you. For sleeping next to me when i didnt want to sleep alone. For never judging me. For always loving me. For drinking wine with me secretly at dad and kathys wedding and then laughing in the limo. For the giant hug you gave me at graduation. 5. Kip- for loving me no matter what pain i brought to you. For always being strong when i had no strength. For loving all you encounter and inspiring me to do the same. For all your hard work to keep us afloat when we were together. For listening to me babble spiritual for hours. For making me laugh. For trying and trying and trying to make it work with me. For taking care of me when I went to massage school. For letting me be a part of your childrens lives. For taking Kaleb as your own. For showing me your shadows and your light.. For letting me see your cry... For letting me see you grow. For forgiving me. For marrying me. For all the amazing adventures. For all the good times and bad times.. For being the love of my life. For being my sweet and bitter memory :) For always seeing the positive and trying to help me to see it.. For being vulnerable. For concluding our journey together in peace... For always being there even at a distance... For encouraging me to find me. 6. Kat for being an amazing friend. For helping me get back on my feet. For being strong. For being tough. For being vulnerable. For loving animals so much. For being a victorian mystery box... For making me laugh. For introducing me to boondock saints. For never judging me. For always having my back. For sleeping next to me when i didnt want to sleep alone. For finally kissing me on my birthday! 7. Leelan- For always taking my call no matter what the occasion :) 8. Kristopher - For calling me on my shit and helping me to work towards my goals. For making me laugh. For teaching me how to cook. For caring about me. For showing me a whole new world. For inviting me to Vegas, for setting up the IFA reading. For introducing me to Baba and Yaril.. For taking me to the most amazing experience of my life.. (Shango!) For treating me as much as you did. For helping me to find balance. For being an amazing friend. For pushing me when i want to lay down and give up. For teaching me to shut up and just be.. For teaching me how to surrender. 9. Kindra- for being open and loving towards me no matter what happened in my life. For making me smile, laugh, scream and cry. For teaching me compassion. For being vulnerable, for being real. For letting me rant and rave. For going to Kryon with me. For protecting me when I would get zapped. For always having my back. For sharing many intimate things with me. For being the perfect mirror. 10. Vinny - For being open and accepting of others. For striving to always have a positive impact on the world and others. For being so open. For helping me to see the beauty in the simple things in life. For making me smile. 11. Kayla - For making me laugh always. For being your authentic self. For loving with passion and conviction. For moving in with me. For cooking for me. For putting on music so we could have the perfect mood in the apartment. For moving with me to Kips. For helping me to understand Kip. For taking care of me when I needed you the most. For never judging me. For showing me true love and the distance one with travel for it. For being an amazing friend.v 12. Kody for letting me share with you the beautiful experiences of Vegas, for always taking my call, for helping me to understand its not all about me. For loving me, for accepting me for who i am. 13. Dustin - for sharing your world with me for a brief moment. For always being happy to see me. For always seeing the positive in a situation. For making my birthday awesome! For never judging me. For allowing me to open up things in you. For embracing your shadows and your light. For being real. 14. Pink - For never judging me. For always loving me. For letting me move in. For hanging out with me. For being vulnerable. For showing me a side to you I didnt know existed. For being an amazing poet and artist. For being an amazing friend. 15. Kim for being an amazing friend. For always opening your home up to me. For being vulnerable. For being one of the strongest women i know. For raising two kids on your own. For transforming your life. For knowing how to smile through lifes dramas. For knowing how to play and enjoy life. 16. Corey - for coming to get me at odd hours of the night and laughing and staying up all night with me. For being an awesome daddy to Vash. For loving me, for being an awesome friend. For making me smile. For being in my life when you were. 17. Josh for being in my life for the brief amount of time that you were. For showing me shadows as well as light. For letting me rant and rave. For showing me love. 18. Orphen - for always taking me call, answering my text, for being an amazing friend. For holding me when i would cry. For making me laugh. For helping me to appreciate country music. For never judging me. For loving me. For always welcoming me back when i fly away. 19. Mr. Anderson - For being strong, for showing me a world i had forgotten. For hanging out with me during odd hours. For being in my life when you were. For giving me the throwing knives gift. 20. Ryan- For always being strong and inspiring. For being vulnerable. For always chatting it up with me on messenger. For always encouraging me to do my best. For being an amazing friend. For allowing me to assist you when you needed it. For helping me when i need it. For never judging me. 21. Materia- For being an amazing boyfriend back in the day. For always loving me. For always treating me like a queen. For never judging me. for always taking me call. For always welcoming me back when i fly away. 22. Nick - For sharing your stories with me, for being a good friend. For never judging me. For always being positive and open. 23. Flannery- For never judging me, for always being open and loving. For being openly expressive of your love for the planet and people. For being authentic. For being eccentric. For being you. 24. Taylor for always chatting it up on messenger, for being my Taylove, for always being positive, for always listening to me, for helping me to see the shadows and the light. For never judging me or taking sides. 25. Pugypug- For always welcoming me back when i fly away. For being my falcor, For all the times we layed and did nothing but listen to music. For letting me play in your blood. For never judging me. For forgiving me. For loving me. For always being up to getting so tea. For teaching me tech support. For letting me take you to the hospital when you swallowed my ring... For making me laugh, For holding me when i cried. For always wanting the best for me. 26. Robert for selling me your car. For making me laugh. For teaching me many of lessons when you were my boyfriend. For writing me in boot camp. For contacting me and staying in touch. For showing me you can be a wonderful husband to another. For the many beautiful memories. 27. Aaron - for always taking my call, for loving me, for never judging me, for always trying to help me. for spending an amazing week with me. For getting the same tatoo as me, for understanding me, for embracing my insanity, for letting me go. for welcoming me back when i fly away. For sharing your heart with me, your poetry with me and for making me a video. 28. Samantha - for being such a beautiful and awesome person. For being a great friend even though we have not hungout alot. For always being positive. For daring to do something i dont, have a baby.. Each time you smile you calm my heart.. 29. Dan - For being an amazing friend, for listen to me, for never judging me, for teaching me many of lessons, for showing me the beauty of shadows, for sharing your birthday with me, for being my BFF! and for being vulnerable. 30. Josiah - for always being an inspiration, for always contacting me at the perfect moment, for loving me, for being in my life when you were. 31. Fae - for standing in your truths, for dancing with the wind, for being an inspiration, for being vunerable, for being real. For being beautiful. 32. Kaleb- for reflecting to me that i do not know how to accept love from others. For being a loving older brother to Rigel. For being a great companion for mow mow. 33. mow mow- for loving me when i was sad. For cuddling with me like a lover. For loving without condition. For making me smile. For letting me take so many pictures of you. 34. Rigel - For being my little baby kitty when you were. For cuddling with me, for being a little baby brother for mow mow and kaleb to take care of. For cuddling with me tonight.. 35. Currin for being my friend for so many years, for loving me, for being in my life when you were. For always bleaching my hair and listening to me rant and rave. For escaping the world with me, for making me smile. For being an inspiration.. 36. Beau ~ for all the lessons you taught me throughout the years, for all the drama and pain and the joy and the laughs and the memories. For staying in touch and for turning out to be an awesome friend. For loving me no matter how crazy you view me as being. And to all others that are not on this list,.. . Thank you for being a part of my life in all capacity that you are.. I am very blessed ! And my heart is open! What a beautiful feeling... Good night ********************************* My brother's response (who is known as Pink in the letter above) - good bye sweet space girl.. enjoy the voyage. Posted by Dread Pink the Legendary Chaos Pirate on Monday, April 13, 2009 - 4:24 PM ************************

Where I've Been

My Curves needed to move. Otherwise, we wouldn't grow. I think this is the next stage in my life, but I'm reluctant to make it happen for some reason. Anywhere, I've been very focused and occupied with that. Nice to be back again. My wake up call wasn't all that nice though...

Cremation vs. Burial

I haven't had to deal with death in someone close to me since 1991.

I really pretended that it wasn't ever going to happen to me again. The thing that struck me into writing my thoughts, was that he isn't going to be buried with my grandma. My grandpa is living in Oregon with my step-grandma. Granted - they've been married for many, many years, but that means my grandma will remain buried alone down in Santa Monica.

How is that okay? Our lives are filled with people and loved ones, yet when we are buried, our loved ones create a never ending loneliness for our bodies. Our spirits have moved on, but our bodies live in perpetual loneliness.

The LDS religion discourages cremation because we should have our bodies to come back to with the "second coming." But our bodies are not perfect and in decay, so why would we need to come back to them? The LDS religion also says that I won't be able to see my grandpa again because I don't live the LDS standards and rules. How is that possible?

Why should I have to live a perfect life just to live with my loved ones in the spirit world?

Shouldn't it be enough that I create a relationship with God? One that I have been ignoring, I might add.

I want to see my grandpa again, I want to see Tommy again, I want to meet my Grandma with memory and see my other grandpa too. I want to see this supposed heaven everyone claims is so great. I want to live when I die.

Light bulbs die, I will depart - Mr. Magorium

I keep waiting for my life to start. I keep waiting for the signal that tells me when to start. I keep waiting for something to tell me what to do next. I keep waiting to own my life.

I kept waiting to call my grandpa when I found out he was sick. I kept waiting to send him a note about some things I wanted him to see. I kept waiting for something. I saw him last year with the intent of it being a "good-bye" trip. He was in the hospital then, and I wasn't sure if I'd make it up again. I used that as solace when I first got the call that he was sick. But now I feel guilty for my laziness and lack of priorities. My inability to call him one last time and tell him I love him.

The guilt of my brothers death is creeping around as well. I was so frustrated and angry at my responsibilities of being a big sister the night before he died that I had no patience with him. Tommy's soft, gentle, innocent smile, and I was angry, because having to take care of him was interuppting my un-important teenage life.

So, I'll need to do some soul searching this week as I introduce Samantha to her first funeral and death.



Breather, pulse, regenerate,