Cycles

Cycles exist. I'm ready for a new cycle and the support around me will help! Interesting that I keep posting right around my birthday, but then don't have time the rest of the year. Fun! This is my private blog, and I will be starting a blog for work. Not really sure that I want them to be the same. Can I keep up with this one?

Grounded

Tonight I experienced the feeling of security in the universe. It came in an odd place and in an odd conversation. The conversation and experiences of the evening were grounding. Life may be tumultuous. I don't know where to start with all there is to do. I miss previous lives that I've had, and I miss my girlfriends from Santa Cruz. I hope that my experiences tonight continue to unfold and continue to ground me in truth.

Owning My Life will become a reality by the end of this year. I will continue to make mistakes as part of it, but I want to understand my failures as lessons and move forward with Balance.

The Bottom?

Well, I am now putting myself through an informal bankruptcy and just put my family through a foreclosure. Have I learned the lessons I was supposed to learn? Who knows. What is someone supposed to learn. How does a person change behaviors and attitude about money. You think it would be easy to say, "That was stupid, let's not do that again", but somehow the cycle has continued in the past. This last cycle had a real bottom to it.

Just Do It - Seems simple enough. Yet somehow, procrastination and bad habits have continued.

I don't think I can fall further than I have.

Now I have to climb out. Is it possible? Is there a mountain that will have a beautiful view from the top, or will it just be one valley after another?

35

What a number. I am at the age of "risky" pregnancies. I can't join the National guard. I'm too old for some law enforcement agencies. Half-way to 70. Almost 40. Yet, still making mistakes like I was 20. I've been acting older than my age for awhile, but I don't seem to make the wisest of choices that an almost 40 year old should be making.

Feeling hopeful that maybe I will start to wise up.

Feeling sad that my youth is behind me.

Wondering where the get up and go attitude that I had in my 20's has left. Why and when did it go is a mystery. Will it come back? I keep willing it. No action, though. Hmmm.

Still wanting a second child. Barely able to take care of the first child. Or myself.

My story seems stuck. Was it Sunnyvale? Or did it happen before that?

I know I should and need to move on. Why can't I? Why do I just continue to sit?

What a birthday, post, huh?

My brother's grief

A few days ago, my sweet (and new) sister-in-law posted on her facebook the status, "Doesn't understand." This post caught my attention, but there was nothing else indicating anything was wrong. She is blissfully married to my brother and learning how to have a big family. I wasn't sure what this post meant, but since nothing else seemed to call for attention, I let this past.

I was exploring my brother's myspace page and found a goodbye poem in his blog. I knew this was connected to Caitlin's post. How removed from my family am I, that I didn't know they had lost a close friend. I am experiencing my own grief at my inability to connect with my family.

I am also experiencing grief at the loss of Jennifer Mayhew (Katiya). I know her only through the blog postings of myspace and facebook and finally her obituary. She was certainly a light amidst the dark tunnel of life. Her services are today. I may "show my respect" to this beautiful person who inspired a goodbye poem from my brother, who cares and loves more than he admits and just wants to find love himself.

I'm not sure how long this posts can be, but I am going to walk you backwards through my discovery of this tragedy.

This was the post on my brother's myspace page that sent me on my discovery path...

********************

Dedicated to Jen Mayhew aka Katiya - ; (

- ; (

dreams left undone and screams left unheard, far from sadness left from life, tears unseen bring angels you foreseen. you dreamed of being the light, you seamed of being alright. in yours arms felt warm, understanding now i'm torn. radiating presence your mind was persistently divine. waking up in angel arms the dreams all left undone. waking up in solace with nothing but a memory. its not for me to write whats wrong, its not for me to right whats left. for you i'll carry on, i'll be the pirate you held close if even for a moment. visit me you will in dreams i'll make a point to share them too. you're on your way thats for sure home is waiting in distance. your desires have all come true leaving us was up to you. all the light and all the warmth i'd give back just to be with you, for just a moment.. to say goodbye.

*********************

I still couldn't be sure if she had passed away or left. So I decided to search the internet for a possible obituary, hoping that I wouldn't find one, but...

Jennifer Dee Mayhew
Jennifer Dee Mayhew 1979 ~ 2009 Jen was born on February 1, 1979 to Lawnie and DeLane Mayhew on a bright and sunny day in Salt Lake City, UT. She went home on April 12, 2009.She was spiritually gifted, and was always open to learning and exploring spirituality. She enjoyed expressing herself through poetry and writings. She loved being with her friends and meeting new people. Jen wanted to open them up to new spiritual heights. She was the type of person who was always there to heal people and help them find their peace and enlightenment. Jen was the most positive and loving person and was loved and respected by all that knew her. Jen had a life-long close relationship with her sisters Kassie and Lisa. They enjoyed many activities together and created the most wonderful memories. Jen was a shining star, like a ray of sunshine, who brought light to every place she traveled and to everyone she met in her personal journey of life. She asked very little of anyone, but gave all that she had. Jen was a free spirit and she lived her life to the fullest every day. Survived by her parents, Lawnie and DeLane, sisters, Kassie and Lisa, nephews, Drayden and Carson, niece, Taysia, grandparents, Lawnie C. Mayhew, DeeVi Jorgensen, Donald Williams, many uncles, aunts and cousins. Kip Massey, who she married on January 29, 2005 and loved dearly. Also, her many, many friends who were her spiritual family. Preceded in death by, Grandma Betty and cousin Ronnie Anderson. Services will be held on Friday, April 17, 2009, at 2:00 p.m. at Larkin Sunset Gardens, 1950 East 10600 South in Sandy. A visitation will be held on Thursday evening from 6-8 p.m. and one hour prior to the service. Online condolences welcomed at www.larkincares.com We will miss you Jen and we know that you are in a much better place, watching over all of us.

****************************

I wanted to see if I could learn a little more about this beautiful person. So, then I followed the friend link to Katiya's myspace page and found this posting. I don't know what took Jen's life, but she knew her time was coming which makes this all the more tragic.

Friday, March 27, 2009

What I like about you Current mood: grateful Ok so I decided to express my gratitude to all of those in my life and thank them for the gifts they have bestowed upon my life. For the majority of my life i have been a clueless, selfish, lost person. I probably never thanked any of them for what they shared with me, and so tonight I would like to start.. 1. mom : For taking care of me and Kassie on your own, for being the strongest woman I know. For being a loving and caring mother. For pushing through life even through the hardest of times. For giving all you can. For opening up your home to me. For loving without condition... For being vulnerable. For letting me sleep next to you when i couldnt sleep alone. For accepting me no matter what pain I brought into your life. 2. Dad- for being a pillar of strength when i had no strength. For holding me up when i fell. For always being there to rescue me from stupidity. For showing your vulnerabilty, For being firm. For making me laugh when all i wanted to do was cry. For accepting me no matter what drama or pain I brought to your life. 3. Kassie for always giving me someone to look up to. For having the nerve to follow your heart and let nothing stop you. For having the courage to have children and the strength to take care of them on your own. For always loving and accepting me even when i have been distant. For helping me to see the good in situations. 4. Lisa for daring to do what I could not. Being a mother. For all the times you made me feel needed as a sister. For all the times you made me laugh when all i wanted to do was cry. For having those special moments with me, like singing in the car. .. Peekaboo! For running away so i could find you. For sleeping next to me when i didnt want to sleep alone. For never judging me. For always loving me. For drinking wine with me secretly at dad and kathys wedding and then laughing in the limo. For the giant hug you gave me at graduation. 5. Kip- for loving me no matter what pain i brought to you. For always being strong when i had no strength. For loving all you encounter and inspiring me to do the same. For all your hard work to keep us afloat when we were together. For listening to me babble spiritual for hours. For making me laugh. For trying and trying and trying to make it work with me. For taking care of me when I went to massage school. For letting me be a part of your childrens lives. For taking Kaleb as your own. For showing me your shadows and your light.. For letting me see your cry... For letting me see you grow. For forgiving me. For marrying me. For all the amazing adventures. For all the good times and bad times.. For being the love of my life. For being my sweet and bitter memory :) For always seeing the positive and trying to help me to see it.. For being vulnerable. For concluding our journey together in peace... For always being there even at a distance... For encouraging me to find me. 6. Kat for being an amazing friend. For helping me get back on my feet. For being strong. For being tough. For being vulnerable. For loving animals so much. For being a victorian mystery box... For making me laugh. For introducing me to boondock saints. For never judging me. For always having my back. For sleeping next to me when i didnt want to sleep alone. For finally kissing me on my birthday! 7. Leelan- For always taking my call no matter what the occasion :) 8. Kristopher - For calling me on my shit and helping me to work towards my goals. For making me laugh. For teaching me how to cook. For caring about me. For showing me a whole new world. For inviting me to Vegas, for setting up the IFA reading. For introducing me to Baba and Yaril.. For taking me to the most amazing experience of my life.. (Shango!) For treating me as much as you did. For helping me to find balance. For being an amazing friend. For pushing me when i want to lay down and give up. For teaching me to shut up and just be.. For teaching me how to surrender. 9. Kindra- for being open and loving towards me no matter what happened in my life. For making me smile, laugh, scream and cry. For teaching me compassion. For being vulnerable, for being real. For letting me rant and rave. For going to Kryon with me. For protecting me when I would get zapped. For always having my back. For sharing many intimate things with me. For being the perfect mirror. 10. Vinny - For being open and accepting of others. For striving to always have a positive impact on the world and others. For being so open. For helping me to see the beauty in the simple things in life. For making me smile. 11. Kayla - For making me laugh always. For being your authentic self. For loving with passion and conviction. For moving in with me. For cooking for me. For putting on music so we could have the perfect mood in the apartment. For moving with me to Kips. For helping me to understand Kip. For taking care of me when I needed you the most. For never judging me. For showing me true love and the distance one with travel for it. For being an amazing friend.v 12. Kody for letting me share with you the beautiful experiences of Vegas, for always taking my call, for helping me to understand its not all about me. For loving me, for accepting me for who i am. 13. Dustin - for sharing your world with me for a brief moment. For always being happy to see me. For always seeing the positive in a situation. For making my birthday awesome! For never judging me. For allowing me to open up things in you. For embracing your shadows and your light. For being real. 14. Pink - For never judging me. For always loving me. For letting me move in. For hanging out with me. For being vulnerable. For showing me a side to you I didnt know existed. For being an amazing poet and artist. For being an amazing friend. 15. Kim for being an amazing friend. For always opening your home up to me. For being vulnerable. For being one of the strongest women i know. For raising two kids on your own. For transforming your life. For knowing how to smile through lifes dramas. For knowing how to play and enjoy life. 16. Corey - for coming to get me at odd hours of the night and laughing and staying up all night with me. For being an awesome daddy to Vash. For loving me, for being an awesome friend. For making me smile. For being in my life when you were. 17. Josh for being in my life for the brief amount of time that you were. For showing me shadows as well as light. For letting me rant and rave. For showing me love. 18. Orphen - for always taking me call, answering my text, for being an amazing friend. For holding me when i would cry. For making me laugh. For helping me to appreciate country music. For never judging me. For loving me. For always welcoming me back when i fly away. 19. Mr. Anderson - For being strong, for showing me a world i had forgotten. For hanging out with me during odd hours. For being in my life when you were. For giving me the throwing knives gift. 20. Ryan- For always being strong and inspiring. For being vulnerable. For always chatting it up with me on messenger. For always encouraging me to do my best. For being an amazing friend. For allowing me to assist you when you needed it. For helping me when i need it. For never judging me. 21. Materia- For being an amazing boyfriend back in the day. For always loving me. For always treating me like a queen. For never judging me. for always taking me call. For always welcoming me back when i fly away. 22. Nick - For sharing your stories with me, for being a good friend. For never judging me. For always being positive and open. 23. Flannery- For never judging me, for always being open and loving. For being openly expressive of your love for the planet and people. For being authentic. For being eccentric. For being you. 24. Taylor for always chatting it up on messenger, for being my Taylove, for always being positive, for always listening to me, for helping me to see the shadows and the light. For never judging me or taking sides. 25. Pugypug- For always welcoming me back when i fly away. For being my falcor, For all the times we layed and did nothing but listen to music. For letting me play in your blood. For never judging me. For forgiving me. For loving me. For always being up to getting so tea. For teaching me tech support. For letting me take you to the hospital when you swallowed my ring... For making me laugh, For holding me when i cried. For always wanting the best for me. 26. Robert for selling me your car. For making me laugh. For teaching me many of lessons when you were my boyfriend. For writing me in boot camp. For contacting me and staying in touch. For showing me you can be a wonderful husband to another. For the many beautiful memories. 27. Aaron - for always taking my call, for loving me, for never judging me, for always trying to help me. for spending an amazing week with me. For getting the same tatoo as me, for understanding me, for embracing my insanity, for letting me go. for welcoming me back when i fly away. For sharing your heart with me, your poetry with me and for making me a video. 28. Samantha - for being such a beautiful and awesome person. For being a great friend even though we have not hungout alot. For always being positive. For daring to do something i dont, have a baby.. Each time you smile you calm my heart.. 29. Dan - For being an amazing friend, for listen to me, for never judging me, for teaching me many of lessons, for showing me the beauty of shadows, for sharing your birthday with me, for being my BFF! and for being vulnerable. 30. Josiah - for always being an inspiration, for always contacting me at the perfect moment, for loving me, for being in my life when you were. 31. Fae - for standing in your truths, for dancing with the wind, for being an inspiration, for being vunerable, for being real. For being beautiful. 32. Kaleb- for reflecting to me that i do not know how to accept love from others. For being a loving older brother to Rigel. For being a great companion for mow mow. 33. mow mow- for loving me when i was sad. For cuddling with me like a lover. For loving without condition. For making me smile. For letting me take so many pictures of you. 34. Rigel - For being my little baby kitty when you were. For cuddling with me, for being a little baby brother for mow mow and kaleb to take care of. For cuddling with me tonight.. 35. Currin for being my friend for so many years, for loving me, for being in my life when you were. For always bleaching my hair and listening to me rant and rave. For escaping the world with me, for making me smile. For being an inspiration.. 36. Beau ~ for all the lessons you taught me throughout the years, for all the drama and pain and the joy and the laughs and the memories. For staying in touch and for turning out to be an awesome friend. For loving me no matter how crazy you view me as being. And to all others that are not on this list,.. . Thank you for being a part of my life in all capacity that you are.. I am very blessed ! And my heart is open! What a beautiful feeling... Good night ********************************* My brother's response (who is known as Pink in the letter above) - good bye sweet space girl.. enjoy the voyage. Posted by Dread Pink the Legendary Chaos Pirate on Monday, April 13, 2009 - 4:24 PM ************************

Where I've Been

My Curves needed to move. Otherwise, we wouldn't grow. I think this is the next stage in my life, but I'm reluctant to make it happen for some reason. Anywhere, I've been very focused and occupied with that. Nice to be back again. My wake up call wasn't all that nice though...

Cremation vs. Burial

I haven't had to deal with death in someone close to me since 1991.

I really pretended that it wasn't ever going to happen to me again. The thing that struck me into writing my thoughts, was that he isn't going to be buried with my grandma. My grandpa is living in Oregon with my step-grandma. Granted - they've been married for many, many years, but that means my grandma will remain buried alone down in Santa Monica.

How is that okay? Our lives are filled with people and loved ones, yet when we are buried, our loved ones create a never ending loneliness for our bodies. Our spirits have moved on, but our bodies live in perpetual loneliness.

The LDS religion discourages cremation because we should have our bodies to come back to with the "second coming." But our bodies are not perfect and in decay, so why would we need to come back to them? The LDS religion also says that I won't be able to see my grandpa again because I don't live the LDS standards and rules. How is that possible?

Why should I have to live a perfect life just to live with my loved ones in the spirit world?

Shouldn't it be enough that I create a relationship with God? One that I have been ignoring, I might add.

I want to see my grandpa again, I want to see Tommy again, I want to meet my Grandma with memory and see my other grandpa too. I want to see this supposed heaven everyone claims is so great. I want to live when I die.

Light bulbs die, I will depart - Mr. Magorium

I keep waiting for my life to start. I keep waiting for the signal that tells me when to start. I keep waiting for something to tell me what to do next. I keep waiting to own my life.

I kept waiting to call my grandpa when I found out he was sick. I kept waiting to send him a note about some things I wanted him to see. I kept waiting for something. I saw him last year with the intent of it being a "good-bye" trip. He was in the hospital then, and I wasn't sure if I'd make it up again. I used that as solace when I first got the call that he was sick. But now I feel guilty for my laziness and lack of priorities. My inability to call him one last time and tell him I love him.

The guilt of my brothers death is creeping around as well. I was so frustrated and angry at my responsibilities of being a big sister the night before he died that I had no patience with him. Tommy's soft, gentle, innocent smile, and I was angry, because having to take care of him was interuppting my un-important teenage life.

So, I'll need to do some soul searching this week as I introduce Samantha to her first funeral and death.



Breather, pulse, regenerate,

My Birthday

3+4=7

It should be a 7 year. If I knew more about numerology, I could expound on that thought.

My husbands gift was a beautifully carved "throne" chair. I don't know yet what special spot it will have in the house, but it should get THE spot and be a thinking/doing chair.

Interesting day. I had wanted to start by having an "introspective" day, figure out my mission statement, prioritize... You know, mid-life crisis stuff.

I have one year left to decide to join the army. I have one year left to decide to have a baby before risks double. I don't have any time left to pull my head out of the sand. It has to be now. Shut up and Stop Whining. This has to happen now.

My birthday mid-life day of introspection was spent at the Ford dealership while I was waiting for my parent's vehicle to be fixed. A vehicle I felt I HAD to have, because somehow my independence is effected by not having one.

Now, I'm finishing up my day with a movie and ice cream. Candles? No.

But what would I wish for?

Wishes don't come true. Taking action will make what I want come true. Now, to take that action.

After a good nights sleep, of course.

Scattered

I just woke up from a dream and wanted to write it before it disappeared. It's funny how fast that can happen.

I had a new job at the coffee shop, and it was the same coffee shop that my husbands boss went to every morning.

It was my first morning on the job, now I've worked coffee before, so I know that it takes preparation and practice to do things right and to be able to get drinks out the door. It's about quality and quantity when it comes to a coffee house in the morning.

Well, I only had 2 orders, a mocha and a house coffee. To start, I couldn't find any of the cups. There were cold coffee cups, and mugs to stay, but no hot coffee cups. The other employees didn't seem to care or understand why I couldn't find them. "There just right over there," one of them said. Another said, "Well, there usually here. Maybe we need to wait for the delivery." I replied that my customers were waiting now. And again there was a lack of caring. "Oh well, it will just be a few minutes."

So, I decided to start making the espresso while I waited for the cups. When I went to the espresso machine, none of the old grinds had been cleaned out. The old grinds were laying ontop of the shelf and still inside the brewer. The grounds had turned to clay and no matter what I used to wipe it off with, there was more on the brewer each time. I desperately searched for another machine in the store and found one, but it was too tall and I couldn't reach it.

It was about this time, when Eric (my husband's boss) came back in for his drink and I just looked at him and tried to make excuses. I blamed everything I listed above, said I was sorry, but felt hopeless and aghast that I would even have to tell my customer all of these things. Eric just looked at me with a look in his eyes that I can't quite determine. "Well, I guess I'll just have to get a time schedule on my drinks from now on." I felt humiliated. He would go back and tell my husband. My husband would know that I'm really no good. That I just pretend.

Someone was in line to order at the coffee store. He ordered something I had never heard of. He explained to me what it was and I said I would try. I said it with the tone of voice and demeanor that already had determined I would fail when trying to make this new drink.

As I began to wake up with the memories of this dream, I realized this is how I'm operating in my life. I realized this is how my employees feel because of me. I'm the only one that give them the tools, knowledge and material that they need to do their job right. If I don't, my employees will have that same feeling I had when Eric looked at me because I didn't have his drink ready.

Only I can change this in my life.

Only I can change this for my store and how my employees are able to operate.

Can focus be learned?

Or am I just doomed to wander aimlessly for the rest of my life. I can't seem to stay focused on one idea for longer than 2 seconds. I set aside time to work on one project and find out 2 hours later that I've moved onto a dozen other things or ideas, usually generating more work for myself, finding that what I was working on still sorely needs to be done, now running past the deadline.

I have to apologize to those of you who have stumbled across this blog. It must be so boring and pathetic watching me, or rather not watching me, progress.

Own My Life. A statement I read from a celebrity. It still is a great sentiment. I am owning my own decisions, not so much blaming them on others. I guess that's a start. However, I don't own my life enough to focus, set goals and move forward. I am still stuck in a rut. I still consider myself a failure for not being able to continue my job as a firefighter. You ask why I don't just do it again. Well, that's part of the failure. If I'm not good enough to do that, I couldn't possibly try again, and I won't be good at anything else. That job is up on a pedestal. Nothing will ever compare. Ever. I'm embarrassed to tell my daughter that I ever was a firefighter because I'm not doing it now. People think it's great that I was. I think it's not great because I'm not.

Failure. Paralyzing.

I can't move forward with anything.

Even my finances are succumbing to this paralysis. My family and home are effected.

Yet, I stay paralyzed. I don't whine about it. But I don't do anything about it, either.

I type my whining, I guess. I don't own my life, since I'm not active in it. I'm reactive when necessary, and the rest of the time, I sit watching people around me, wondering why I'm watching and not participating. Yet, I sit. Not participating.

I avoid people, places, situations. Not owning, but cowering.

I wonder why my daughter chose me as a mother. What could I possibly teach her?

Why does my husband stay with me? What does he see in me?

Why do I stay? I think lots of times that I should just go. Be done? Start Over? Not sure, but letting my family start their lives without me, seems like they'd be free of the heavy weight I carry with me.

As I said above, focus is lacking. Did you see this blog start rambling. Those are all the moments in my life.

Sitting down to timeplan or write goals, turns into an internet search for a better software program for the club.

What a hypocrite I am, wanting to help women, yet not being able to help myself. Ignoring the advice of myself. Ignoring my mom. my husband. my daughter. Wallowing in self-pity and self-disgust. Yet I stay in this wallowing pit. Am I happy here? I wouldn't think so, but most would think I'd be ready to climb out by now. But I stay wallowing as I type and publish this post. Perhaps the mood will swing with my next publishing.

Seriously!

My last post was in October! Over 6 months ago! Wow.

So, life has had many ups and downs and ups and downs. Things come together, then things break apart.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel. I'm reading a great book called the E-myth. Those of you that are aware of the book are wondering what took my so long! It just never seemed to make the ticket, but I recently had another recommendation and couldn't put it off any longer. It's a fantastic book and reads like I think. Amazing that there is actually something out there that works the way I do. Things have felt lonely on that front for a while.

I call it the mommy memory. I'm learning who I am all over with this new brain of mine. It takes a while to learn how to think again.

I'm no more an athlete now than when I started this blog. Maybe that will change.

I'm not much more of a mommy or wife than I was, but at least I'm working on doing better in that arena.

Business Owner? Yeah, but this book is helping me understand why I've been holding back. Maybe we'll be able to push forward with some of this knowledge now.

I don't want to type long, cause I've got more of my book to read!

But one last little thing...We named our company, RH Fitness Systems. I don't know exactly why we chose the word "systems", but I find it curious that the key to our success will be just that. Time to start putting these things together instead of flying in the dark.

Busy

Too Busy to live our own lives? Always, yes. Eventually, I'll get around to reading the book by the same title.

The car. Good Purchase with it's own difficulties. My last blog talked about selling my car prior to the trip. I found the replacement car while on our trip - and that is what caused the chaos and the continuing karma of "Betty". Testing my ability to be patient, to settle in, etc. I want to change vehicles again. My husband truly feels more comfortable with something that has snow in mind. And, possibly I do to. However, the MAIN focus was gas savings and environment savings. We'll see what happens now, but I put so much focus on it before, that I can't let another car take over for me.

The biggest reason I'm still looking? A $1,000 oil leak that I don't have the funds to fix.

***I got cut off the other night AFTER I had typed a whole lot of other stuff in to this. That seems to be my problem. Lots of repeat work... Anyway, just gonna post this now since I'm not sure what else I had to say the other night...

Ugh.

And then...

At the end of this perfectly planned trip, I ended up finding the car I was looking for. Problem? I found it on Saturday afternoon of Labor Day weekend. Had to wait for banks to open on Tuesday morning. My extra day (Monday) was a gift. It started a bit rocky when my extra time cringed upon a dear friendship of mine. I was hoping for more precious time with my friend as I felt that we hadn't gotten any and I'd been there a week. But our wrangling of responsibilities didn't allow it and now we know that next time WE will take a break from those responsibilities and nourish our friendship without distraction. Ended up at my other very dear friends house for some time that hadn't been allowed during the whole week I'd been there. A couple of "bums" hanging out. :)

But then, after that beautiful day, the hours draggggggggggged on. Getting home took way to long, my week in peace at my home was gone because I was driving my perfectly planned car.

Perfect Planning

We always seem to put things off until a better time. We'll start exercising when we know we won't be leaving town, we start trying to break a bad habit when we know we won't have a stressful time in front of us. So, I'm very guilty of this as you'll tell from some of my previous posts. I always want to start something, but put it off until a better time or until I've gathered more information. So on and so forth.

I've been thinking of selling my 4 Runner for over 6 months now. It's a great vehicle, and I've already gone through half a dozen others in 4 years. First, the Bronco to fit in with the manly men while working at Sunnyvale, then the Miata for my midlife crisis while working for Janna, then pregnancy brought on a slew of family type vehicles. Due to my inability to choose a vehicle, I thought it best NOT to sell. So each time the thought nagged me, I'd explore, but then talk myself into keeping it. Also, the timing wouldn't be right to put effort into selling it (that's called laziness).

Finally, I realized I needed to do something when every waking moment was spent researching the best car in existence, including the best gas-saver (therefore, I could save the planet), the best cargo-room (therefore, I could continue hauling all my "stuff" around), the best safety-rated (therefore, my daughter could never be harmed no matter the accident), the best driver (sporty, yet firm in slippery conditions), the best fun (wind in your hair), the best price ( something that doesn't cost more than my house). Can you believe, I did not find a vehicle that met ALL of my criteria? So I kept searching and talking about selling my vehicle, but never moving forward, just talk-talk-talk. More research, more talk. I realized the amount of research I was doing was sufficient for a Master's project. I needed to be spending less time on this subject and move forward.

I focused on why I wanted to do this. I really was hoping to save the planet, therefore gas savings needed to be important, however, with a daughter I need to keep safe, the mini compact gas savers wouldn't do. The next step was to evaluate any utilitarian aspect and frankly if I used my Miata the way I did, I can fit anything into any vehicle. The next was the cost component, we are trying to simplify and cut down and in addition to saving the planet, the amount of money I spend on gas each month is astounding. So again back to the gas savers.

But more talk-talk-talk about selling my Toyota. I had to sell it before I could buy another, so no matter how many test drives I did, I couldn't move forward. I guess I had to sell the Toyota, but the timing was right. I couldn't plan for when to take care of this. Something kept getting in the way of making it happen. I finally decided to move forward. I made a few phone calls, aggressively followed up on a few leads and had two offers in one day. FANTASTIC!

Not really. I was leaving town two days later and needed to use this 4 Runner to transport my family. I had buyers, but then I would have no car for the trip. Never mind the trip, move forward with the sale. I had put it off long enough.

So, perfect planning? Far from it. But is there really such a thing? If I had put the sale off, I'd still be trying. If I had told the buyers I needed the car for the trip, I'd most likely have lost the buyers. We are traveling to Santa Cruz in my husbands extended cab Tacoma. A cozy trip. I think after all it was a perfect plan. Besides, I now actually have two weeks to find the car of my dreams. Please let me know if you know of one that fits all of the above criteria.

Roller Coaster

Owning my life is akin to a roller coaster right now. Ups with motivation, new skills, positive brainstorms, energy. Then Downs with procrastination, inability to move forward in action, and the assumption that all will fail. I haven't figured out how to stop the roller coaster.

Most people on the outskirts don't see the roller coaster. They think I'm riding on a boat through "It's a small world." Even keeled, head on my shoulders. Boy, I wish my brain felt like that too.

I'm having some breakthroughs these days, but it feels like each step forward is also two steps back. I am trying to do a better job of LISTENING to those around me. But I'm still wrapped up in my own head, that I can't do much about what it is I listen to.

I have a huge support system, but I can't lean on them because I don't know what it is I need. I don't know why I have the fog in my brain that I have. I don't know why I can't put words into action. So, when somebody says, "What can I do to help?", I look at them as if they are crazy. What could I possibly tell them if I haven't figured out what's wrong in the first place.

Reading these, you are making many different assumptions because you may or may not know me, or you may or may not see me everyday and you may or may not know the truth. I go back and read these and have more clarity and sometimes more confusion as to what the answer is. I can only write and hope that clarity will come even amongst confrontation.

Quit Whining and Just Do It

These are mantra's I've lived by before in my life. These are things I tell my clients. These are things that I should be able to do myself. Why am I still whining?

Balance

I'm supposed to work on my balance.

How does anyone else do it and manage it? Am I so completely off my rocker that I have to write down what my priorities and values are? Yes, I have to, but what took me this far off track?

Why do I work Sooooooooooooooo Much? I don't really enjoy doing it, yet I continue to year after year. (I don't enjoy the working too much part - I always enjoy actual work.)

Work - Home - Self
3 basic areas I can focus own and expand individual hats as necessary. But I brought my hats down on the title page of this blog, so I guess it makes sense. I just haven't started thinking that way.

There are people that making balance looks like a cake walk. I'd like to be one of those people.

This should tie in to "The Secret." What could I use as a visual for this? Hmmm....

It's Crazy

Crazy to think I would have time to write in this daily, if not weekly.
Crazy to think it would help with changes and keeping me on task.
Crazy to think I'd follow through with anything I write.
Crazy to think sharing in this forum will be helpful.
Crazy to think not sharing in this forum will be helpful.
Crazy to be over 30.
Crazy to be a mom.
Crazy to be a business owner.
Crazy to still be alive and in one piece after all the stupid acts of dumbness I've committed.
Crazy to feel better after writing only 10 lines of thought.
Crazy to be up at 1:30 in the morning.
Crazy to want to stay awake and do more things.
Crazy to want more than 24 hours a day to accomplish things.
Crazy to say yes to anything else.
Crazy to sit with my daughter and think she ever fit in my belly.
Crazy to sit with my daughter and think she and I could own a business some day.
Crazy to sit with my daughter and here her sing and play the drums.
Crazy to sit with my daughter and have her tell me knock knock jokes.
Crazy to always be wondering what's next instead of enjoying what's right now.
Crazy to miss my friends as much as I do when I've always really been a loner.
Crazy to try to control the thoughts of my brain to focus in on ONLY one thing.
Crazy to be married for 10 years.
Crazy to not be a veterinarian - that was the plan since I was 12.

This crazy list could go on with my brain in overload right now, but one last thought...

Doesn't "crazy" just look like it's spelled wrong?! It just looks like a funny word.

Les Miserables

This has always been a favorite play of mine. I've seen it with my mom and Toby, in New York and Los Angeles, respectively. I own the soundtrack of the Broadway as well as a French version that is simply beautiful.

It is on a national tour and played here in Salt Lake City, with a few local actors at Pioneer Theatre. One of the local actresses was a member at our club. She was fantastic as well! I'm so excited for this opportunity of hers.

Well, I finally got it.

Listened to the soundtrack a thousand times. Sitting there with my husband in my current hometown (one I said I would never move back to), I finally got it.

"To Love Another Person Is To See The Face of God."

I got it.

I got the story. I got what spirituality is. I got what I've been looking for. I got it.

Now - how to live it everyday?

Capturing Thoughts; Capturing Love

There have been many moments over the last few weeks where I have wanted to post something. Thoughts have come into my head that I have wanted to put on paper and share with the universe, but I have not been able to necessarily sit down, log onto the internet and type. A tape recorder is desperately needed!

A quick thought I'll share as I listen to the sounds of the surf outside my window.

I wish that I could capture the feeling of love surrounding you. If we could capture this and pull it out of our "perfume" bottles whenever we needed an extra hug, life would be "marvelous". We would have no self-doubt, because those thoughts would be quickly set aside by the feelings of love and support.

**********
The above post was created the last week of June 2007 when I was enjoying an evening of "Heather". I left Samantha with her very willing god-mom and went off on my own. My computer battery died mid-post, as it has been doing lately, and I was so frustrated, I haven't been back since.

Let me say that the next morning I went shopping at a very beautiful well center that a friend of mine has created and found my perfume bottle. I filled it with the sea air, the sound of the ocean, the wishes and voices of friends and an unnamed emotion that only Santa Cruz can provide for a person. My bottle is hanging from my vehicles rear-view window, reminding me of capturing love.

Now to add few more topics...