Scattered

I just woke up from a dream and wanted to write it before it disappeared. It's funny how fast that can happen.

I had a new job at the coffee shop, and it was the same coffee shop that my husbands boss went to every morning.

It was my first morning on the job, now I've worked coffee before, so I know that it takes preparation and practice to do things right and to be able to get drinks out the door. It's about quality and quantity when it comes to a coffee house in the morning.

Well, I only had 2 orders, a mocha and a house coffee. To start, I couldn't find any of the cups. There were cold coffee cups, and mugs to stay, but no hot coffee cups. The other employees didn't seem to care or understand why I couldn't find them. "There just right over there," one of them said. Another said, "Well, there usually here. Maybe we need to wait for the delivery." I replied that my customers were waiting now. And again there was a lack of caring. "Oh well, it will just be a few minutes."

So, I decided to start making the espresso while I waited for the cups. When I went to the espresso machine, none of the old grinds had been cleaned out. The old grinds were laying ontop of the shelf and still inside the brewer. The grounds had turned to clay and no matter what I used to wipe it off with, there was more on the brewer each time. I desperately searched for another machine in the store and found one, but it was too tall and I couldn't reach it.

It was about this time, when Eric (my husband's boss) came back in for his drink and I just looked at him and tried to make excuses. I blamed everything I listed above, said I was sorry, but felt hopeless and aghast that I would even have to tell my customer all of these things. Eric just looked at me with a look in his eyes that I can't quite determine. "Well, I guess I'll just have to get a time schedule on my drinks from now on." I felt humiliated. He would go back and tell my husband. My husband would know that I'm really no good. That I just pretend.

Someone was in line to order at the coffee store. He ordered something I had never heard of. He explained to me what it was and I said I would try. I said it with the tone of voice and demeanor that already had determined I would fail when trying to make this new drink.

As I began to wake up with the memories of this dream, I realized this is how I'm operating in my life. I realized this is how my employees feel because of me. I'm the only one that give them the tools, knowledge and material that they need to do their job right. If I don't, my employees will have that same feeling I had when Eric looked at me because I didn't have his drink ready.

Only I can change this in my life.

Only I can change this for my store and how my employees are able to operate.

Can focus be learned?

Or am I just doomed to wander aimlessly for the rest of my life. I can't seem to stay focused on one idea for longer than 2 seconds. I set aside time to work on one project and find out 2 hours later that I've moved onto a dozen other things or ideas, usually generating more work for myself, finding that what I was working on still sorely needs to be done, now running past the deadline.

I have to apologize to those of you who have stumbled across this blog. It must be so boring and pathetic watching me, or rather not watching me, progress.

Own My Life. A statement I read from a celebrity. It still is a great sentiment. I am owning my own decisions, not so much blaming them on others. I guess that's a start. However, I don't own my life enough to focus, set goals and move forward. I am still stuck in a rut. I still consider myself a failure for not being able to continue my job as a firefighter. You ask why I don't just do it again. Well, that's part of the failure. If I'm not good enough to do that, I couldn't possibly try again, and I won't be good at anything else. That job is up on a pedestal. Nothing will ever compare. Ever. I'm embarrassed to tell my daughter that I ever was a firefighter because I'm not doing it now. People think it's great that I was. I think it's not great because I'm not.

Failure. Paralyzing.

I can't move forward with anything.

Even my finances are succumbing to this paralysis. My family and home are effected.

Yet, I stay paralyzed. I don't whine about it. But I don't do anything about it, either.

I type my whining, I guess. I don't own my life, since I'm not active in it. I'm reactive when necessary, and the rest of the time, I sit watching people around me, wondering why I'm watching and not participating. Yet, I sit. Not participating.

I avoid people, places, situations. Not owning, but cowering.

I wonder why my daughter chose me as a mother. What could I possibly teach her?

Why does my husband stay with me? What does he see in me?

Why do I stay? I think lots of times that I should just go. Be done? Start Over? Not sure, but letting my family start their lives without me, seems like they'd be free of the heavy weight I carry with me.

As I said above, focus is lacking. Did you see this blog start rambling. Those are all the moments in my life.

Sitting down to timeplan or write goals, turns into an internet search for a better software program for the club.

What a hypocrite I am, wanting to help women, yet not being able to help myself. Ignoring the advice of myself. Ignoring my mom. my husband. my daughter. Wallowing in self-pity and self-disgust. Yet I stay in this wallowing pit. Am I happy here? I wouldn't think so, but most would think I'd be ready to climb out by now. But I stay wallowing as I type and publish this post. Perhaps the mood will swing with my next publishing.

Seriously!

My last post was in October! Over 6 months ago! Wow.

So, life has had many ups and downs and ups and downs. Things come together, then things break apart.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel. I'm reading a great book called the E-myth. Those of you that are aware of the book are wondering what took my so long! It just never seemed to make the ticket, but I recently had another recommendation and couldn't put it off any longer. It's a fantastic book and reads like I think. Amazing that there is actually something out there that works the way I do. Things have felt lonely on that front for a while.

I call it the mommy memory. I'm learning who I am all over with this new brain of mine. It takes a while to learn how to think again.

I'm no more an athlete now than when I started this blog. Maybe that will change.

I'm not much more of a mommy or wife than I was, but at least I'm working on doing better in that arena.

Business Owner? Yeah, but this book is helping me understand why I've been holding back. Maybe we'll be able to push forward with some of this knowledge now.

I don't want to type long, cause I've got more of my book to read!

But one last little thing...We named our company, RH Fitness Systems. I don't know exactly why we chose the word "systems", but I find it curious that the key to our success will be just that. Time to start putting these things together instead of flying in the dark.

Busy

Too Busy to live our own lives? Always, yes. Eventually, I'll get around to reading the book by the same title.

The car. Good Purchase with it's own difficulties. My last blog talked about selling my car prior to the trip. I found the replacement car while on our trip - and that is what caused the chaos and the continuing karma of "Betty". Testing my ability to be patient, to settle in, etc. I want to change vehicles again. My husband truly feels more comfortable with something that has snow in mind. And, possibly I do to. However, the MAIN focus was gas savings and environment savings. We'll see what happens now, but I put so much focus on it before, that I can't let another car take over for me.

The biggest reason I'm still looking? A $1,000 oil leak that I don't have the funds to fix.

***I got cut off the other night AFTER I had typed a whole lot of other stuff in to this. That seems to be my problem. Lots of repeat work... Anyway, just gonna post this now since I'm not sure what else I had to say the other night...

Ugh.

And then...

At the end of this perfectly planned trip, I ended up finding the car I was looking for. Problem? I found it on Saturday afternoon of Labor Day weekend. Had to wait for banks to open on Tuesday morning. My extra day (Monday) was a gift. It started a bit rocky when my extra time cringed upon a dear friendship of mine. I was hoping for more precious time with my friend as I felt that we hadn't gotten any and I'd been there a week. But our wrangling of responsibilities didn't allow it and now we know that next time WE will take a break from those responsibilities and nourish our friendship without distraction. Ended up at my other very dear friends house for some time that hadn't been allowed during the whole week I'd been there. A couple of "bums" hanging out. :)

But then, after that beautiful day, the hours draggggggggggged on. Getting home took way to long, my week in peace at my home was gone because I was driving my perfectly planned car.

Perfect Planning

We always seem to put things off until a better time. We'll start exercising when we know we won't be leaving town, we start trying to break a bad habit when we know we won't have a stressful time in front of us. So, I'm very guilty of this as you'll tell from some of my previous posts. I always want to start something, but put it off until a better time or until I've gathered more information. So on and so forth.

I've been thinking of selling my 4 Runner for over 6 months now. It's a great vehicle, and I've already gone through half a dozen others in 4 years. First, the Bronco to fit in with the manly men while working at Sunnyvale, then the Miata for my midlife crisis while working for Janna, then pregnancy brought on a slew of family type vehicles. Due to my inability to choose a vehicle, I thought it best NOT to sell. So each time the thought nagged me, I'd explore, but then talk myself into keeping it. Also, the timing wouldn't be right to put effort into selling it (that's called laziness).

Finally, I realized I needed to do something when every waking moment was spent researching the best car in existence, including the best gas-saver (therefore, I could save the planet), the best cargo-room (therefore, I could continue hauling all my "stuff" around), the best safety-rated (therefore, my daughter could never be harmed no matter the accident), the best driver (sporty, yet firm in slippery conditions), the best fun (wind in your hair), the best price ( something that doesn't cost more than my house). Can you believe, I did not find a vehicle that met ALL of my criteria? So I kept searching and talking about selling my vehicle, but never moving forward, just talk-talk-talk. More research, more talk. I realized the amount of research I was doing was sufficient for a Master's project. I needed to be spending less time on this subject and move forward.

I focused on why I wanted to do this. I really was hoping to save the planet, therefore gas savings needed to be important, however, with a daughter I need to keep safe, the mini compact gas savers wouldn't do. The next step was to evaluate any utilitarian aspect and frankly if I used my Miata the way I did, I can fit anything into any vehicle. The next was the cost component, we are trying to simplify and cut down and in addition to saving the planet, the amount of money I spend on gas each month is astounding. So again back to the gas savers.

But more talk-talk-talk about selling my Toyota. I had to sell it before I could buy another, so no matter how many test drives I did, I couldn't move forward. I guess I had to sell the Toyota, but the timing was right. I couldn't plan for when to take care of this. Something kept getting in the way of making it happen. I finally decided to move forward. I made a few phone calls, aggressively followed up on a few leads and had two offers in one day. FANTASTIC!

Not really. I was leaving town two days later and needed to use this 4 Runner to transport my family. I had buyers, but then I would have no car for the trip. Never mind the trip, move forward with the sale. I had put it off long enough.

So, perfect planning? Far from it. But is there really such a thing? If I had put the sale off, I'd still be trying. If I had told the buyers I needed the car for the trip, I'd most likely have lost the buyers. We are traveling to Santa Cruz in my husbands extended cab Tacoma. A cozy trip. I think after all it was a perfect plan. Besides, I now actually have two weeks to find the car of my dreams. Please let me know if you know of one that fits all of the above criteria.

Roller Coaster

Owning my life is akin to a roller coaster right now. Ups with motivation, new skills, positive brainstorms, energy. Then Downs with procrastination, inability to move forward in action, and the assumption that all will fail. I haven't figured out how to stop the roller coaster.

Most people on the outskirts don't see the roller coaster. They think I'm riding on a boat through "It's a small world." Even keeled, head on my shoulders. Boy, I wish my brain felt like that too.

I'm having some breakthroughs these days, but it feels like each step forward is also two steps back. I am trying to do a better job of LISTENING to those around me. But I'm still wrapped up in my own head, that I can't do much about what it is I listen to.

I have a huge support system, but I can't lean on them because I don't know what it is I need. I don't know why I have the fog in my brain that I have. I don't know why I can't put words into action. So, when somebody says, "What can I do to help?", I look at them as if they are crazy. What could I possibly tell them if I haven't figured out what's wrong in the first place.

Reading these, you are making many different assumptions because you may or may not know me, or you may or may not see me everyday and you may or may not know the truth. I go back and read these and have more clarity and sometimes more confusion as to what the answer is. I can only write and hope that clarity will come even amongst confrontation.