Perfect Planning

We always seem to put things off until a better time. We'll start exercising when we know we won't be leaving town, we start trying to break a bad habit when we know we won't have a stressful time in front of us. So, I'm very guilty of this as you'll tell from some of my previous posts. I always want to start something, but put it off until a better time or until I've gathered more information. So on and so forth.

I've been thinking of selling my 4 Runner for over 6 months now. It's a great vehicle, and I've already gone through half a dozen others in 4 years. First, the Bronco to fit in with the manly men while working at Sunnyvale, then the Miata for my midlife crisis while working for Janna, then pregnancy brought on a slew of family type vehicles. Due to my inability to choose a vehicle, I thought it best NOT to sell. So each time the thought nagged me, I'd explore, but then talk myself into keeping it. Also, the timing wouldn't be right to put effort into selling it (that's called laziness).

Finally, I realized I needed to do something when every waking moment was spent researching the best car in existence, including the best gas-saver (therefore, I could save the planet), the best cargo-room (therefore, I could continue hauling all my "stuff" around), the best safety-rated (therefore, my daughter could never be harmed no matter the accident), the best driver (sporty, yet firm in slippery conditions), the best fun (wind in your hair), the best price ( something that doesn't cost more than my house). Can you believe, I did not find a vehicle that met ALL of my criteria? So I kept searching and talking about selling my vehicle, but never moving forward, just talk-talk-talk. More research, more talk. I realized the amount of research I was doing was sufficient for a Master's project. I needed to be spending less time on this subject and move forward.

I focused on why I wanted to do this. I really was hoping to save the planet, therefore gas savings needed to be important, however, with a daughter I need to keep safe, the mini compact gas savers wouldn't do. The next step was to evaluate any utilitarian aspect and frankly if I used my Miata the way I did, I can fit anything into any vehicle. The next was the cost component, we are trying to simplify and cut down and in addition to saving the planet, the amount of money I spend on gas each month is astounding. So again back to the gas savers.

But more talk-talk-talk about selling my Toyota. I had to sell it before I could buy another, so no matter how many test drives I did, I couldn't move forward. I guess I had to sell the Toyota, but the timing was right. I couldn't plan for when to take care of this. Something kept getting in the way of making it happen. I finally decided to move forward. I made a few phone calls, aggressively followed up on a few leads and had two offers in one day. FANTASTIC!

Not really. I was leaving town two days later and needed to use this 4 Runner to transport my family. I had buyers, but then I would have no car for the trip. Never mind the trip, move forward with the sale. I had put it off long enough.

So, perfect planning? Far from it. But is there really such a thing? If I had put the sale off, I'd still be trying. If I had told the buyers I needed the car for the trip, I'd most likely have lost the buyers. We are traveling to Santa Cruz in my husbands extended cab Tacoma. A cozy trip. I think after all it was a perfect plan. Besides, I now actually have two weeks to find the car of my dreams. Please let me know if you know of one that fits all of the above criteria.

Roller Coaster

Owning my life is akin to a roller coaster right now. Ups with motivation, new skills, positive brainstorms, energy. Then Downs with procrastination, inability to move forward in action, and the assumption that all will fail. I haven't figured out how to stop the roller coaster.

Most people on the outskirts don't see the roller coaster. They think I'm riding on a boat through "It's a small world." Even keeled, head on my shoulders. Boy, I wish my brain felt like that too.

I'm having some breakthroughs these days, but it feels like each step forward is also two steps back. I am trying to do a better job of LISTENING to those around me. But I'm still wrapped up in my own head, that I can't do much about what it is I listen to.

I have a huge support system, but I can't lean on them because I don't know what it is I need. I don't know why I have the fog in my brain that I have. I don't know why I can't put words into action. So, when somebody says, "What can I do to help?", I look at them as if they are crazy. What could I possibly tell them if I haven't figured out what's wrong in the first place.

Reading these, you are making many different assumptions because you may or may not know me, or you may or may not see me everyday and you may or may not know the truth. I go back and read these and have more clarity and sometimes more confusion as to what the answer is. I can only write and hope that clarity will come even amongst confrontation.