Roller Coaster

Owning my life is akin to a roller coaster right now. Ups with motivation, new skills, positive brainstorms, energy. Then Downs with procrastination, inability to move forward in action, and the assumption that all will fail. I haven't figured out how to stop the roller coaster.

Most people on the outskirts don't see the roller coaster. They think I'm riding on a boat through "It's a small world." Even keeled, head on my shoulders. Boy, I wish my brain felt like that too.

I'm having some breakthroughs these days, but it feels like each step forward is also two steps back. I am trying to do a better job of LISTENING to those around me. But I'm still wrapped up in my own head, that I can't do much about what it is I listen to.

I have a huge support system, but I can't lean on them because I don't know what it is I need. I don't know why I have the fog in my brain that I have. I don't know why I can't put words into action. So, when somebody says, "What can I do to help?", I look at them as if they are crazy. What could I possibly tell them if I haven't figured out what's wrong in the first place.

Reading these, you are making many different assumptions because you may or may not know me, or you may or may not see me everyday and you may or may not know the truth. I go back and read these and have more clarity and sometimes more confusion as to what the answer is. I can only write and hope that clarity will come even amongst confrontation.