Scattered

I just woke up from a dream and wanted to write it before it disappeared. It's funny how fast that can happen.

I had a new job at the coffee shop, and it was the same coffee shop that my husbands boss went to every morning.

It was my first morning on the job, now I've worked coffee before, so I know that it takes preparation and practice to do things right and to be able to get drinks out the door. It's about quality and quantity when it comes to a coffee house in the morning.

Well, I only had 2 orders, a mocha and a house coffee. To start, I couldn't find any of the cups. There were cold coffee cups, and mugs to stay, but no hot coffee cups. The other employees didn't seem to care or understand why I couldn't find them. "There just right over there," one of them said. Another said, "Well, there usually here. Maybe we need to wait for the delivery." I replied that my customers were waiting now. And again there was a lack of caring. "Oh well, it will just be a few minutes."

So, I decided to start making the espresso while I waited for the cups. When I went to the espresso machine, none of the old grinds had been cleaned out. The old grinds were laying ontop of the shelf and still inside the brewer. The grounds had turned to clay and no matter what I used to wipe it off with, there was more on the brewer each time. I desperately searched for another machine in the store and found one, but it was too tall and I couldn't reach it.

It was about this time, when Eric (my husband's boss) came back in for his drink and I just looked at him and tried to make excuses. I blamed everything I listed above, said I was sorry, but felt hopeless and aghast that I would even have to tell my customer all of these things. Eric just looked at me with a look in his eyes that I can't quite determine. "Well, I guess I'll just have to get a time schedule on my drinks from now on." I felt humiliated. He would go back and tell my husband. My husband would know that I'm really no good. That I just pretend.

Someone was in line to order at the coffee store. He ordered something I had never heard of. He explained to me what it was and I said I would try. I said it with the tone of voice and demeanor that already had determined I would fail when trying to make this new drink.

As I began to wake up with the memories of this dream, I realized this is how I'm operating in my life. I realized this is how my employees feel because of me. I'm the only one that give them the tools, knowledge and material that they need to do their job right. If I don't, my employees will have that same feeling I had when Eric looked at me because I didn't have his drink ready.

Only I can change this in my life.

Only I can change this for my store and how my employees are able to operate.

Can focus be learned?

Or am I just doomed to wander aimlessly for the rest of my life. I can't seem to stay focused on one idea for longer than 2 seconds. I set aside time to work on one project and find out 2 hours later that I've moved onto a dozen other things or ideas, usually generating more work for myself, finding that what I was working on still sorely needs to be done, now running past the deadline.

I have to apologize to those of you who have stumbled across this blog. It must be so boring and pathetic watching me, or rather not watching me, progress.

Own My Life. A statement I read from a celebrity. It still is a great sentiment. I am owning my own decisions, not so much blaming them on others. I guess that's a start. However, I don't own my life enough to focus, set goals and move forward. I am still stuck in a rut. I still consider myself a failure for not being able to continue my job as a firefighter. You ask why I don't just do it again. Well, that's part of the failure. If I'm not good enough to do that, I couldn't possibly try again, and I won't be good at anything else. That job is up on a pedestal. Nothing will ever compare. Ever. I'm embarrassed to tell my daughter that I ever was a firefighter because I'm not doing it now. People think it's great that I was. I think it's not great because I'm not.

Failure. Paralyzing.

I can't move forward with anything.

Even my finances are succumbing to this paralysis. My family and home are effected.

Yet, I stay paralyzed. I don't whine about it. But I don't do anything about it, either.

I type my whining, I guess. I don't own my life, since I'm not active in it. I'm reactive when necessary, and the rest of the time, I sit watching people around me, wondering why I'm watching and not participating. Yet, I sit. Not participating.

I avoid people, places, situations. Not owning, but cowering.

I wonder why my daughter chose me as a mother. What could I possibly teach her?

Why does my husband stay with me? What does he see in me?

Why do I stay? I think lots of times that I should just go. Be done? Start Over? Not sure, but letting my family start their lives without me, seems like they'd be free of the heavy weight I carry with me.

As I said above, focus is lacking. Did you see this blog start rambling. Those are all the moments in my life.

Sitting down to timeplan or write goals, turns into an internet search for a better software program for the club.

What a hypocrite I am, wanting to help women, yet not being able to help myself. Ignoring the advice of myself. Ignoring my mom. my husband. my daughter. Wallowing in self-pity and self-disgust. Yet I stay in this wallowing pit. Am I happy here? I wouldn't think so, but most would think I'd be ready to climb out by now. But I stay wallowing as I type and publish this post. Perhaps the mood will swing with my next publishing.