Can focus be learned?

Or am I just doomed to wander aimlessly for the rest of my life. I can't seem to stay focused on one idea for longer than 2 seconds. I set aside time to work on one project and find out 2 hours later that I've moved onto a dozen other things or ideas, usually generating more work for myself, finding that what I was working on still sorely needs to be done, now running past the deadline.

I have to apologize to those of you who have stumbled across this blog. It must be so boring and pathetic watching me, or rather not watching me, progress.

Own My Life. A statement I read from a celebrity. It still is a great sentiment. I am owning my own decisions, not so much blaming them on others. I guess that's a start. However, I don't own my life enough to focus, set goals and move forward. I am still stuck in a rut. I still consider myself a failure for not being able to continue my job as a firefighter. You ask why I don't just do it again. Well, that's part of the failure. If I'm not good enough to do that, I couldn't possibly try again, and I won't be good at anything else. That job is up on a pedestal. Nothing will ever compare. Ever. I'm embarrassed to tell my daughter that I ever was a firefighter because I'm not doing it now. People think it's great that I was. I think it's not great because I'm not.

Failure. Paralyzing.

I can't move forward with anything.

Even my finances are succumbing to this paralysis. My family and home are effected.

Yet, I stay paralyzed. I don't whine about it. But I don't do anything about it, either.

I type my whining, I guess. I don't own my life, since I'm not active in it. I'm reactive when necessary, and the rest of the time, I sit watching people around me, wondering why I'm watching and not participating. Yet, I sit. Not participating.

I avoid people, places, situations. Not owning, but cowering.

I wonder why my daughter chose me as a mother. What could I possibly teach her?

Why does my husband stay with me? What does he see in me?

Why do I stay? I think lots of times that I should just go. Be done? Start Over? Not sure, but letting my family start their lives without me, seems like they'd be free of the heavy weight I carry with me.

As I said above, focus is lacking. Did you see this blog start rambling. Those are all the moments in my life.

Sitting down to timeplan or write goals, turns into an internet search for a better software program for the club.

What a hypocrite I am, wanting to help women, yet not being able to help myself. Ignoring the advice of myself. Ignoring my mom. my husband. my daughter. Wallowing in self-pity and self-disgust. Yet I stay in this wallowing pit. Am I happy here? I wouldn't think so, but most would think I'd be ready to climb out by now. But I stay wallowing as I type and publish this post. Perhaps the mood will swing with my next publishing.