Time

How is it that the first half of 2007 is over? How is it that no matter what I plan to get done, I barely finish or even start task #1. Is it distraction, procrastination, or distraction yet again?

Time doesn't seem to be on my side. Samantha is 2 1/2. What have I done for her so far in life? It feels like nothing. I've kept her alive, but I don't know if I've really given her anything. I can't get my brain to stop and focus on the moment. I try, but it seems that I try to hard.

I'm a "closet" breastfeeder. I only mean that in so much as I don't bring it up that I'm still breastfeeding, even my mom seems to think that Samantha is too old. I must say that there are times where I am definitely ready to stop. Or I just don't want to sit down at that moment. But when I do stop and nurse Samantha. That is when I'm in the moment. I can't really do anything else. It's like she's forcing me to slow down and be with her, since I'm not good at doing it any other way.

I don't know how to own being a mom. I take care of her, keep her bathed, fed, etc. The basics. But I don't know how to go beyond that. Something in me is afraid. Of what I don't know. Is it the fear I've had forever about being a mom and I'm not overcoming it? Something, Something. Taking one day at a time. Living in the moment. Slowing down to smell the roses. All of these come into play, yet I have the hardest time doing any of these.

And time continue to pass away.