Busy

Too Busy to live our own lives? Always, yes. Eventually, I'll get around to reading the book by the same title.

The car. Good Purchase with it's own difficulties. My last blog talked about selling my car prior to the trip. I found the replacement car while on our trip - and that is what caused the chaos and the continuing karma of "Betty". Testing my ability to be patient, to settle in, etc. I want to change vehicles again. My husband truly feels more comfortable with something that has snow in mind. And, possibly I do to. However, the MAIN focus was gas savings and environment savings. We'll see what happens now, but I put so much focus on it before, that I can't let another car take over for me.

The biggest reason I'm still looking? A $1,000 oil leak that I don't have the funds to fix.

***I got cut off the other night AFTER I had typed a whole lot of other stuff in to this. That seems to be my problem. Lots of repeat work... Anyway, just gonna post this now since I'm not sure what else I had to say the other night...

Ugh.

And then...

At the end of this perfectly planned trip, I ended up finding the car I was looking for. Problem? I found it on Saturday afternoon of Labor Day weekend. Had to wait for banks to open on Tuesday morning. My extra day (Monday) was a gift. It started a bit rocky when my extra time cringed upon a dear friendship of mine. I was hoping for more precious time with my friend as I felt that we hadn't gotten any and I'd been there a week. But our wrangling of responsibilities didn't allow it and now we know that next time WE will take a break from those responsibilities and nourish our friendship without distraction. Ended up at my other very dear friends house for some time that hadn't been allowed during the whole week I'd been there. A couple of "bums" hanging out. :)

But then, after that beautiful day, the hours draggggggggggged on. Getting home took way to long, my week in peace at my home was gone because I was driving my perfectly planned car.

Perfect Planning

We always seem to put things off until a better time. We'll start exercising when we know we won't be leaving town, we start trying to break a bad habit when we know we won't have a stressful time in front of us. So, I'm very guilty of this as you'll tell from some of my previous posts. I always want to start something, but put it off until a better time or until I've gathered more information. So on and so forth.

I've been thinking of selling my 4 Runner for over 6 months now. It's a great vehicle, and I've already gone through half a dozen others in 4 years. First, the Bronco to fit in with the manly men while working at Sunnyvale, then the Miata for my midlife crisis while working for Janna, then pregnancy brought on a slew of family type vehicles. Due to my inability to choose a vehicle, I thought it best NOT to sell. So each time the thought nagged me, I'd explore, but then talk myself into keeping it. Also, the timing wouldn't be right to put effort into selling it (that's called laziness).

Finally, I realized I needed to do something when every waking moment was spent researching the best car in existence, including the best gas-saver (therefore, I could save the planet), the best cargo-room (therefore, I could continue hauling all my "stuff" around), the best safety-rated (therefore, my daughter could never be harmed no matter the accident), the best driver (sporty, yet firm in slippery conditions), the best fun (wind in your hair), the best price ( something that doesn't cost more than my house). Can you believe, I did not find a vehicle that met ALL of my criteria? So I kept searching and talking about selling my vehicle, but never moving forward, just talk-talk-talk. More research, more talk. I realized the amount of research I was doing was sufficient for a Master's project. I needed to be spending less time on this subject and move forward.

I focused on why I wanted to do this. I really was hoping to save the planet, therefore gas savings needed to be important, however, with a daughter I need to keep safe, the mini compact gas savers wouldn't do. The next step was to evaluate any utilitarian aspect and frankly if I used my Miata the way I did, I can fit anything into any vehicle. The next was the cost component, we are trying to simplify and cut down and in addition to saving the planet, the amount of money I spend on gas each month is astounding. So again back to the gas savers.

But more talk-talk-talk about selling my Toyota. I had to sell it before I could buy another, so no matter how many test drives I did, I couldn't move forward. I guess I had to sell the Toyota, but the timing was right. I couldn't plan for when to take care of this. Something kept getting in the way of making it happen. I finally decided to move forward. I made a few phone calls, aggressively followed up on a few leads and had two offers in one day. FANTASTIC!

Not really. I was leaving town two days later and needed to use this 4 Runner to transport my family. I had buyers, but then I would have no car for the trip. Never mind the trip, move forward with the sale. I had put it off long enough.

So, perfect planning? Far from it. But is there really such a thing? If I had put the sale off, I'd still be trying. If I had told the buyers I needed the car for the trip, I'd most likely have lost the buyers. We are traveling to Santa Cruz in my husbands extended cab Tacoma. A cozy trip. I think after all it was a perfect plan. Besides, I now actually have two weeks to find the car of my dreams. Please let me know if you know of one that fits all of the above criteria.

Roller Coaster

Owning my life is akin to a roller coaster right now. Ups with motivation, new skills, positive brainstorms, energy. Then Downs with procrastination, inability to move forward in action, and the assumption that all will fail. I haven't figured out how to stop the roller coaster.

Most people on the outskirts don't see the roller coaster. They think I'm riding on a boat through "It's a small world." Even keeled, head on my shoulders. Boy, I wish my brain felt like that too.

I'm having some breakthroughs these days, but it feels like each step forward is also two steps back. I am trying to do a better job of LISTENING to those around me. But I'm still wrapped up in my own head, that I can't do much about what it is I listen to.

I have a huge support system, but I can't lean on them because I don't know what it is I need. I don't know why I have the fog in my brain that I have. I don't know why I can't put words into action. So, when somebody says, "What can I do to help?", I look at them as if they are crazy. What could I possibly tell them if I haven't figured out what's wrong in the first place.

Reading these, you are making many different assumptions because you may or may not know me, or you may or may not see me everyday and you may or may not know the truth. I go back and read these and have more clarity and sometimes more confusion as to what the answer is. I can only write and hope that clarity will come even amongst confrontation.

Quit Whining and Just Do It

These are mantra's I've lived by before in my life. These are things I tell my clients. These are things that I should be able to do myself. Why am I still whining?

Balance

I'm supposed to work on my balance.

How does anyone else do it and manage it? Am I so completely off my rocker that I have to write down what my priorities and values are? Yes, I have to, but what took me this far off track?

Why do I work Sooooooooooooooo Much? I don't really enjoy doing it, yet I continue to year after year. (I don't enjoy the working too much part - I always enjoy actual work.)

Work - Home - Self
3 basic areas I can focus own and expand individual hats as necessary. But I brought my hats down on the title page of this blog, so I guess it makes sense. I just haven't started thinking that way.

There are people that making balance looks like a cake walk. I'd like to be one of those people.

This should tie in to "The Secret." What could I use as a visual for this? Hmmm....

It's Crazy

Crazy to think I would have time to write in this daily, if not weekly.
Crazy to think it would help with changes and keeping me on task.
Crazy to think I'd follow through with anything I write.
Crazy to think sharing in this forum will be helpful.
Crazy to think not sharing in this forum will be helpful.
Crazy to be over 30.
Crazy to be a mom.
Crazy to be a business owner.
Crazy to still be alive and in one piece after all the stupid acts of dumbness I've committed.
Crazy to feel better after writing only 10 lines of thought.
Crazy to be up at 1:30 in the morning.
Crazy to want to stay awake and do more things.
Crazy to want more than 24 hours a day to accomplish things.
Crazy to say yes to anything else.
Crazy to sit with my daughter and think she ever fit in my belly.
Crazy to sit with my daughter and think she and I could own a business some day.
Crazy to sit with my daughter and here her sing and play the drums.
Crazy to sit with my daughter and have her tell me knock knock jokes.
Crazy to always be wondering what's next instead of enjoying what's right now.
Crazy to miss my friends as much as I do when I've always really been a loner.
Crazy to try to control the thoughts of my brain to focus in on ONLY one thing.
Crazy to be married for 10 years.
Crazy to not be a veterinarian - that was the plan since I was 12.

This crazy list could go on with my brain in overload right now, but one last thought...

Doesn't "crazy" just look like it's spelled wrong?! It just looks like a funny word.

Les Miserables

This has always been a favorite play of mine. I've seen it with my mom and Toby, in New York and Los Angeles, respectively. I own the soundtrack of the Broadway as well as a French version that is simply beautiful.

It is on a national tour and played here in Salt Lake City, with a few local actors at Pioneer Theatre. One of the local actresses was a member at our club. She was fantastic as well! I'm so excited for this opportunity of hers.

Well, I finally got it.

Listened to the soundtrack a thousand times. Sitting there with my husband in my current hometown (one I said I would never move back to), I finally got it.

"To Love Another Person Is To See The Face of God."

I got it.

I got the story. I got what spirituality is. I got what I've been looking for. I got it.

Now - how to live it everyday?

Capturing Thoughts; Capturing Love

There have been many moments over the last few weeks where I have wanted to post something. Thoughts have come into my head that I have wanted to put on paper and share with the universe, but I have not been able to necessarily sit down, log onto the internet and type. A tape recorder is desperately needed!

A quick thought I'll share as I listen to the sounds of the surf outside my window.

I wish that I could capture the feeling of love surrounding you. If we could capture this and pull it out of our "perfume" bottles whenever we needed an extra hug, life would be "marvelous". We would have no self-doubt, because those thoughts would be quickly set aside by the feelings of love and support.

**********
The above post was created the last week of June 2007 when I was enjoying an evening of "Heather". I left Samantha with her very willing god-mom and went off on my own. My computer battery died mid-post, as it has been doing lately, and I was so frustrated, I haven't been back since.

Let me say that the next morning I went shopping at a very beautiful well center that a friend of mine has created and found my perfume bottle. I filled it with the sea air, the sound of the ocean, the wishes and voices of friends and an unnamed emotion that only Santa Cruz can provide for a person. My bottle is hanging from my vehicles rear-view window, reminding me of capturing love.

Now to add few more topics...

Priorities 2

In looking at my new heading, I think it will change as I identify more accurately what each of those roles is. My responsibilities are almost heavy at times with duties for my family and those I work with and meet. I need to be sure I remove the "heaviness" from those responsibilities and do my best at being who I am, owning my life. I don't know if this last post makes any sense. I'll be able to delve into this more later as again, I'm past the deadline I gave myself.

Priorities

I had an interesting conversation with my husband last night. I have been lacking energy lately and he's called me on it. I seem to be blah at work and at home. I have been feeling it myself and THOUGHT I was doing a good job of hiding it. Guess you can't hide from somebody who's lived with you daily for over 14 years. I think it's because when I put energy into my work, I don't have it left for home, and when I put it in at home, I don't have it left for work. So then I start feeling like I can't do anything. Hence the reason for this website. So I can own things and do something about it.

By the way, I didn't start exercising the next morning (from my post on exercise) but I have done it a couple of times since - and it's been nice. I actually had one morning where I changed from "work" clothes to "workout" clothes and back and forth a couple of times before I actually left at 5 a.m. That's what I go through, the back and forth of what is most important and I'm tending to get it wrong these days. You'd also think my work and workout clothes should be the same since I own a gym. :)

Got a little off subject, there. Anyway, my husband said, "I am a husband, dad, musician and surfer. That is all I am. I don't label myself with my job. The priorities of what I do and think about each day are about those things. Nothing else." I don't think I can be quite that simple with my thinking. I'm too much of a headcase for that. But I can limit the amount of hats I wear and ensure that anything I take on falls under one of those hats. Then I won't be spreading myself too thin. I also will have a better sense of who I am, what is important to me and what I should be doing each day.

You'll notice, I've changed my heading just a little bit. As a business owner, I will have certain things I need to do. Everything I do, should come back to being a healthy choice for myself first. Then that in turn, will help me be the best wife I can be; which will then turn into good mommy skills, including being the best example I can be of a woman to my daughter.

Another thing that is lacking is my identity with my job lately. I got started with Curves for a number of reasons. I already have gotten backlogged with paperwork and have lost my oomph. Everyone around me knew this would happen. Balance is the answer (who would have thought?). I enjoy the shift work, but can't do it well when I know everything else needs to happen as well. I'm looking forward to making some more employee picks, so I can do some bigger things and enjoy the shift work when I can.

Well, I gave myself a limit of finishing this by 2:30. That is now the time. So more on all of these later, because I still have to change my heading to reflect only the top most priorities in my life.

h

Time

How is it that the first half of 2007 is over? How is it that no matter what I plan to get done, I barely finish or even start task #1. Is it distraction, procrastination, or distraction yet again?

Time doesn't seem to be on my side. Samantha is 2 1/2. What have I done for her so far in life? It feels like nothing. I've kept her alive, but I don't know if I've really given her anything. I can't get my brain to stop and focus on the moment. I try, but it seems that I try to hard.

I'm a "closet" breastfeeder. I only mean that in so much as I don't bring it up that I'm still breastfeeding, even my mom seems to think that Samantha is too old. I must say that there are times where I am definitely ready to stop. Or I just don't want to sit down at that moment. But when I do stop and nurse Samantha. That is when I'm in the moment. I can't really do anything else. It's like she's forcing me to slow down and be with her, since I'm not good at doing it any other way.

I don't know how to own being a mom. I take care of her, keep her bathed, fed, etc. The basics. But I don't know how to go beyond that. Something in me is afraid. Of what I don't know. Is it the fear I've had forever about being a mom and I'm not overcoming it? Something, Something. Taking one day at a time. Living in the moment. Slowing down to smell the roses. All of these come into play, yet I have the hardest time doing any of these.

And time continue to pass away.

Tivo

Tivo has got to be one of the greatest inventions in life!

I believe I have an addiction to TV. :)

It is one that at times has sucked afternoons away from me, and evenings and weekends. However, Tivo has come along and now I've picked a few of my favorite shows. All Thursday night shows, The Office, Scrubs, Rock30, My Name is Earl. I let them gather up for a few weeks at a time and then sit down and enjoy for long periods of time, just like I used to.

But instead of it being everyday, it's few and far between.

It's taken me an hour to write this, cause I'm catching up and LAUGHING!

h

Exercise

How is it that an owner of a gym still can't find time for exercise?!

The better word to use is "make" time. People come work out at my gym because they know they will be distracted with other duties at home. Well, I guess you could say the same for me. There are too many other things I want/need to do. I can't comfortably exercise knowing the schedule hasn't been made, calls need to be returned, duties need to written out, so they can become delegated duties instead of "only in my head" duties.

I WANT to exercise. I KNOW it feels better. I KNOW I only have time for 30 minutes, what I offer to my clients. So why don't I stop and do it? If all of my backed up to do list has waited this long, it can wait for 30 more minutes, right? Somehow my brain hasn't figured that out. I'll start exercising, and think of one thing then another and I just get enjoy my workout.

I've thought of finding another Curves to go to, but I'd spend to much time talking to employees/owner. I'd like to go to Yoga, but then I have schedules I need to make time for, and I can't find a studio that has convenient class times for me. Then there is 24 hour fitness again. But my late at night workouts can't happen anymore now that I've got a 2 year old daughter at home. Besides, I don't have time for more than 30 minutes. Hence, the reason for Curves.

So, how can I make time for exercise at my home away from home? I've got all the excuses in the book, like everyone else not exercising in the world. I need to come up with a way around my excuses. A way to work through the distraction of my 2nd home duties, so I can ENJOY the workout. I don't enjoy it right now. That is my problem. I don't enjoy it. How can I enjoy it.

I think if I could work out to different music, not the same stuff I've tuned out. I think if I could work out by myself, not with other people watching to see if I do it right or not. There are three times during the day to do this.

5 a.m.
1 p.m.
7 p.m.

When 1 -3 come around, my mom's waiting for answers, phone calls need to happen and I've been on my feet for 7-8 hours. Just like the folks that don't like to come in at 5 p.m. after their work day, 1 p.m. doesn't work for me. Then there is 7 p.m. I actually get a great workout at this time of night, but again, if I'm here at 7, it means I've been here since 6. So that is out.

5 a.m. it is. Wow. This is going to be tough, getting there that early. But Toby is taking Samantha each morning, so I don't need to worry about dropping her off. I'm barely awake and sucking on my coffee when I get there at 6. I need to change the way I start my day.

Getting up, washing my face and leaving is the best way for me to leave the house without getting distracted. Showers will have to happen at night, and bedhead will have to be the "In" thing. This means a haircut again!

So 4:30 a.m. is my wake up time. The coffee will brew and I'll pour a bit for me to take in a thermos. Better yet, I'll have a cup and relax for 15 minutes before driving off for the day. Perhaps I could read some inspirational material first thing in the morning. I've got to cut down on my coffee anyway. Especially the calorie laden fu fu drinks. I just fear that the longer I linger at the house, the more chance I have of waking up Samantha which is THE LAST THING I want to do in the morning.

I'll also need to eat a bit of something before exercise. Some yogurt, apple, egg, etc. And then have a breakfast prepped for after the workout. If this works out, I'll be able to workout at 5 a.m. - before anybody else can bother me! Woo Hoo!

So when do I start? This will be the thing. I tend to put off all decisions, until their perfect. I tend to put off all changes, until something else changes, and so on. Let's see if I can just simply start tomorrow.

Midnight

Midnight. One of the few times I have to myself - if I can stay awake long enough. I've started a couple posts over the last few days, but they didn't feel right. I jammed up writing after the first sentence or two. I feel the same way now, but I'm going to keep trying.

I finally hired a cleaning service. A wonderful woman named Olivia came in and saved my sanity by simply cleaning the floors. I wanted owning my life to mean that I could do everything. I think owning my life means realizing what I can and can't do and getting the help for those things I can't. Maybe I'm a wuss. My mom had 7 of us kids, and she never had to hire a cleaning service. Anyway, I didn't do my nails while Olivia was here. I cleaned along side and picked clutter up and cleaned things I'd been putting off. She put the elbow grease into the floors and my shower. WOW! Did it feel better when she was done. I don't have this nagging overwhelming feeling about when I'll be able to get to it. She's coming again in 10 days to help with the kitchen and then again at the end of June to do a thorough cleaning of the house. I'll enjoy her visits and do the simple cleaning in the meantime.

I also finally got around to finding someone to fix our sprinklers after watching the lawn dry out for the last 2 months. I kept doing all this research to find the best one. I finally just scheduled folks to come out and take a look at what needed to be done. I used the ones that actually showed up. If you are trying to operate a business and accept a proposal to come out and do an estimate - don't you think you'd show up?? If you don't have the time to do the job, don't tell me you'll come out for the proposal and then not show up!!

I'm burdened with this perfectionist streak and continue researching - never making any decisions. That part HAS TO STOP. I will never accomplish anything that way. I need to teach Samantha how to move forward and get what SHE wants. I don't think I'm always the best example of this.

Another reason it is time to own my life is a new duty I've been given. I have been appointed to the national franchise association board. This is the first year that it's been in existance and it's a pretty cool thing to be a part of. It will require volunteer work each week and some traveling. I wanted to be involved because it will help my business from the big picture end of things. People think I'm crazy for doing this. I probably am. People need to stand up and make changes when changes need to be made. You can't just sit back and let people decide what is best for you. You need to do it yourself. I am good at that in some respects and still have to make it happen in other arenas of my life.

If I don't own my time, my schedule, my sense of sanity, I won't be able to do much with this board, let alone time with my own family. A good friend of mine said not to turn the computer on until after my daughter goes to bed. Good Advice@l;

Well, I'm now falling aspleep typing, so I'll own up and go to bed. I wanted to do so much more before those eyes of mine started failing me.

Heather

Today I own my own life

Hello,
I've been running around with my head cut off like a chicken ever since I found out I was pregnant with my daughter. She is now 2 1/2 years old. Since she's been born, my husband and I have uprooted our lives, displaced our friends, lived in mom and dads basement, been through too many job changes, purchased a business, and traveled to 13 states and another country. We've been busy and my life never seems to give me time for me. Which means I don't give the right kind of time to anything else in my life, including my daughter, husband and my passion, showing women how to help themselves.

That's my fault. I'm taking responsibility for it. I don't want to look back and wish I'd done things differently. I've made both good and bad choices throughout my life. It's time for me to own up to ALL of my choices.

Today, I begin owning my own life. I may or may not do a good job of it. But, I'm owning that too.

This is the first of many random thoughts, notes, requests for advice, etc. The site will probably keep morphing. More often then not, my posts will be at 1 a.m. after both my husband and daughter have gone to bed and I've let the dog, Lucy, out just one more time. It seems silly that taking time for me means posting on a website, but journaling is an important step for lots of things. I've never blogged before, but I've recently begun chatting on some online forums. I've found that I end of sharing my philosophical views more often than not, and it's great to get those out. I might even pull some of those over here and share.

Anyway, I think this is that niche for me to journal. Talk it out. Share it. Give it to the universe as it may. Is that an actual term? Not sure...

Well, I'm off to be the mom and maybe try to get some more boss stuff done later. Then a few more minutes for me by catching up with a little bit of Thursday night TV on tivo. Who has time for TV at the actual time it airs?

Owning my life,
Heather